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Wednesday
Jun132012

Change Your Partner In 2 Simple Steps

Okay, admit it. There are some things about your partner that you wish you could change. Those irritating comments they make--that annoying habit of disagreeing with you--the way they don't pick up after themselves, etc. But virtually all advice about relationships includes the notion that we cannot change our partners. I say they are all wrong! If we look deeply and embrace certain paradoxes, we can change our partners in two simple steps (of course I mean simple in concept, not necessarily in application).

The first step is to allow our partners to be themselves without trying to change them. This means that we see them as an individual on their own life path--not as an extension of ourselves or who we think they should be--and we allow them to be themselves. In other words, we do not see them, contrary to popular opinion, as someone whose purpose is to fulfill our needs. No! They are here on a journey to allow their true Self to unfold and blossom, and to share their gifts with the world. So the first paradox about changing them is that we love them as they are.

The second step is to focus only on the best in our partners. This is not a contradiction to step one but an adjunct to it. While we do allow them to be themselves, we do not dwell on their flaws, weaknesses, or negative characteristics. We focus instead on their gifts, creativity, potential, and all that we appreciate in them. Our partners are a part of eternal, universal consciousness with unlimited potential, made of unconditional love—just like we are. This is true no matter what they are displaying in the moment. The more we know who they truly are and focus on the best in them, the more we will experience that from them. The metaphysical principle at work here is that we receive what we send out. If we are authentically sending out higher thoughts about our partners we will begin to experience more of that from them. We will see and experience all of those wonderful qualities they possess. The key is to focus on the best in them because that is the kind of person we want to be and because it feels good to do it. We are not focusing on their best to try and change them; again, another paradox to embrace.    

So I must come clean and say that in following these steps we are not truly "changing" our partners, but we are changing our experience of our partners. And our experience is all that really matters, because our world actually does revolve around us (and through us).

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Thursday
Mar292012

Re-Purpose Your Relationship

Have you considered the following question lately? What is the purpose of being in a relationship? Many of us who have been in a relationship for a while tend to lose sight of our purpose. And when we don’t have a purpose, we often wander aimlessly without a true sense of fulfillment. Regardless of how long you have been together it is never too late to re-purpose your relationship.

As individuals we are here to create, pursue our passions, and express our gifts in the world. Therefore at some level, the relationship must be a vehicle to support the expression and fulfillment of these individual desires as well as provide an opportunity for the couple to joyfully co-create together. This is important no matter what the individual desires may be. Whether the desire is to be a stay at home parent, to create a thriving business, to be an artist, to be a volunteer at school, etc, the relationship should foster the best in the individual. In any endeavor there are countless ways to be creative and use our gifts, and we will be better able to do that if the relationship supports it.

In the ideal situation, there is a harmonious balance of these individual pursuits and the shared goals of the couple. When the couple is working together on their shared goals they will be more powerful and successful. The energy of two moving in the same direction is much stronger than splitting the energy and going in different, sometimes competing directions. Because our desires change over time, it is important to clarify and address them on a continual basis with our partners. If you have not done so in a while it is time to re-purpose your relationship and become the best you can be as a couple.

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Thursday
Nov102011

The Truth About Communicating

We communicate with our partners much more than we think. Verbal communication is just a small part.

Couples often come to me for help with their communication. In fact, virtually every couple that I have ever seen has stated in one form or another that they have trouble communicating. They are usually referring to the way in which they verbally communicate with each other. However, there is another form of communication that is even more important and largely misunderstood, and that is the way the partners are thinking about each other.

Our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions create energetic signals that are being transmitted to the world around us (including our partners) and influence our experience. The quality of our thoughts determines the quality of our lives, and the way we think about our partners plays a significant role in what we receive back from them. Our partners can 'hear' (mostly unconsciously) what we are thinking about them even if we never speak the words.

Let's say that I am habitually thinking thoughts such as, "He never listens to me, He doesn't care what I think." The more I repeat these thoughts, the greater the probability I will experience my partner not listening to me or not caring about what I think. He is receiving these signals and more than likely will reflect back to me the essence of my thoughts. If I make a habit of thinking genuine thoughts of appreciation and looking for the best in my partner, then I will experience more of that from them as well. 

This is, of course, an oversimplified version of the way relationship dynamics work. However, the principle is clear: I receive in my experience what I give out (in the form of thoughts and emotions). 

The question to ask ourselves is, "Do my current thoughts about my partner serve me?" Since our thoughts and feelings are a form of communication and have creative power, what kind of thoughts will you choose to think about your partner?

 

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Thursday
Nov102011

The Secret That Would Save Every Marriage

The following story reveals the secret that would save every marriage. If we knew it and lived it, our relationships would shine brightly and reflect the harmony and love we all intended. The chronicle of Bob and Jane is the story of all of us who have been in a relationship for an extended period. Challenging times in our relationships may be inevitable due to our humanness, but the ending is ours to write.

 

Bob and Jane had been married for 10 years, and both were miserable in the relationship. There was very little affection or warmth in their interactions, and their lives together had become nothing more than a monotonous routine. Jane thought that Bob was no longer interested in her and she was often disappointed by the lack of emotional connection. She wanted so much more and complained to him often about his lack of effort to connect with her and the distance between them. Bob thought that Jane had become a nagging wife and nothing he did seemed good enough for her, so he had stopped trying. They both had a vague recollection of connection and love for each other at the beginning of the relationship and wondered how their marriage had deteriorated to this point. 

One day Bob was fed up with Jane’s nagging and left the house for a walk. He thought to himself, “I can’t stand being around her any longer. How did this happen? God, please help me! ” All of a sudden a voice from out of nowhere said, “This is God and I will help you. I will slowly transform your wife into a beautiful Goddess with exquisite inner and outer beauty. She will radiate love and joy and you will have the most extraordinary relationship. However, there is one condition. You must focus only on the Divine emerging in her and treat her as I would treat my beloved Goddess.” Bob was elated, “Yes! Yes! If you will transform her then I will do just as you say.”  When Bob returned home he went immediately to the bedroom door and stared at Jane as she was doing her hair, hoping that some change had already occurred. He was looking intently for the Goddess qualities to appear. While he didn’t notice a great change yet, except her hair did seem a bit more radiant, his excitement about the future caused him to smile from ear to ear. Through the mirror Jane could see Bob smiling and staring at her and she thought, “Wow, this is different. He’s looks interested in me.” Before leaving the doorway Bob made a brief comment about the shine of her hair. Later that evening Jane caught Bob looking pleasantly at her again just before bed and she wondered about this renewed attention.

The next day Jane woke up feeling better and placed a note in Bob’s briefcase that read, “I appreciate all that you do. Have a wonderful day!”  At work Bob found the note in his briefcase and was stunned. “God is working fast,” he thought, and then wondered “How would God treat his beloved?” He emailed Jane at her work to tell her not to worry about cooking tonight because he was going to take care of it. Jane could hardly believe this change in Bob, and after reading the email she was glowing with happiness. Bob rushed home early and cooked one of Jane’s favorite dishes before she arrived. As Jane entered she saw the dinner prepared and was filled with gratitude. Bob looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. He could see miraculous changes already! She looked radiant, gorgeous, and Bob could actually see a dazzling glow about her. They had a romantic dinner with stimulating conversations as if they had just met, and afterward a night of unbridled passion in the bedroom. Jane lay awake in bed pondering the recent events, “God, thank you for transforming Bob into a Divine husband. But pleeeeeease make this last.” A clear voice from the heavens replied, “This is God and I will make his transformation eternal, but there is one condition. You must focus only on the Divine in him and treat him as I would treat my beloved.” Jane was ecstatic, “If you make him stay this way then yes, of course I will!”  

Each day following was similar, as they both found ways to uplift and appreciate the other. Occasionally they encountered friction, but with the commitment to seeing only the Divine in their partner and to treat each other as God would, the matters quickly dissolved. They continued to live the relationship of their dreams for years, and one day, as Bob was basking in the glory, he said, “God, you did a fantastic job of transforming her into a Goddess. Thank you.” God replied, “You are welcome but I didn’t transform her at all. She was always Divine and so were you. I simply reminded you both of who you truly are.”

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